This was a difficult piece to write but I hope if one person can resonate with the post and feel they too aren’t alone it was worth writing.
What does a full stress container look like for someone who seemingly has everything to be happy about?
Let me talk about it from my perspective, I have a good life, a lovely house, a loving family and good friends – so why do I frequently feel so sad?
Over the last couple of years I’ve started to explore this because I knew my life was a confusing juxtaposition – I love my work with the charity I created and I am very proud of what we are achieving, but when I manage to slow my over active mind, I realise that I am more unhappy than I should be but I struggle to understand why?
Some of you know how hard I can find things, my depression is seasonal and triggered by what some describe as non events. I sort of get a short pre warning of this and I have to try and implement some coping strategies quickly, walking, being outdoors, resting, but there’s still a lot I need to understand around this and why my mind really fights me to implement some of the coping strategies.
Since 2000 I’ve always worked for myself, the nature of my job has meant working all hours, travelling internationally, getting little sleep and probably partying far too much. I was good at my job, but over the years I’ve created a culture of not being able to slow down, I’ve always worked at a rapid pace, so taking breaks and holidays and time for myself has been a little alien. So in my mid 50s is there any wonder why I find myself struggling?
I think my story is probably like a whole bunch of men my age. You reach your goals, have the family, do the holidays and then you are left thinking what now? There comes a sense of emptiness because you’ve achieved your milestones and you selfishly think is this it? I think there comes at this stage a sense of your own mortality and the fact that you’re not getting any younger. I know why so many men suddenly start struggling at this stage because it’s something I feel.
One day you wake up and think ‘where has all the time gone?’ But in your mind you don’t feel any older – I still think I’m in my 30’s! At some point I really need to grow up, but my girls convince me that that will never happen, and what the nice thing about this is they then tell me they don’t want me to 🤣🤣.
When the depression looms large I know I just need to stop and switch off remove the pressure that life puts on you. This can be really hard to do, as your mind is telling you everything will implode if you do this. The tricks your mind plays on you can be very deceitful.
But what’s actually happening here is my stress container is filling up very quickly and it doesn’t take long before it flows over the top, out of control and this is not good. For me this is a dangerous place, the impostor syndrome kicks in, my reasoning is diminished and I’m left feeling vulnerable and very alone, my fuse is lit up and very short. I don’t think straight and no matter what I try to do and whatever support is around me it is really hard to get things under control. The Blacks Clouds are all consuming and not very nice. If anyone else has experienced this pre-warning you will know it is a real sense of impending doom, this is the time where you’ve got to open the tap on the stress container and get some coping strategies moving before things overflow. If you don’t do it quickly enough the claws hidden in the black clouds really sink in.
Simple things for me that work:
- Getting a bath or an extra shower
- Walking my nature trail and litter picking, when things are bad I can find myself doing this route twice which can be over 9 miles.
- Trying to reduce any alcohol consumption.
- Trying to drink more water
- Managing the desire to consume lots of chocolate, comfort eating really is a big issue for me
- Preparing a healthy meal
- Resting
- Taking some time out and letting people know why
- Phoning a friend and just checking in with them.
- Telling myself that my mind is playing tricks on me and my thoughts are not facts until they’ve actually happened
- Getting out on my motorbike!
I have been very lucky in the sense I’ve had a stable family around me, so I know if I was dealing with this alone things wouldn’t be so pretty.
Through being around incredible people within the Charity have started to understand this situation better. I now know when my stress container is overflowing when I get over emotional at the slightest things. It’s very strange because of the last few years there are lots more tears. I’m not sure this is because I’ve given myself permission to allow this or it’s something more physiological.
So recently I took a week out and switched my phone off. The team agreed to cover my back and guess what things haven’t imploded, the world hasn’t stopped and things carry on as normal.
You will always have a huge amount of emails to pick up when you get back on Monday, but you will also have a little bit more energy to deal with them.
I hope if somebody can read this and realise that they are not alone if they’re feeling something similar depression is really cruel on you as a person and those loved ones around you. It is easy to hit the self-destruct button and cause permanent damage, because your mind encourages this.
I think it is normal to go through ups and downs, but sometimes the downs can be quite extreme.
Find your coping strategies and if things get really bad after implementing these go and see a doctor. This is the bit I’m really finding hard. I know I’m on a journey to become a little more self aware – talking about it can be a big part in understanding the cruel thing we call poor mental health.
But please try to find your tap in your own stress container
P x